I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
