first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Randomize
