Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Randomize
