After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
FUCK WHALES
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