There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
