did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
