I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
