It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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