My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
