Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
