Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Randomize
