can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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