I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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