I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
