I puked a lego.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
