Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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