So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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