I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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