Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Randomize
