I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Houston, we have a squirter
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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