Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Boobs are out for the taking
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
