pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
