people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
you're hired as official boob wrangler
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
we're so committed to being not committed
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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