Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
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I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
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WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
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