i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
