yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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