he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I threw my back out having sex last night. I donβt know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because Iβm old.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP ππππ
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