Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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