You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
