You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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