we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
