My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
All the doctor said was why
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
