my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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