I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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