Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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