my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
