yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Randomize
