Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
