Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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