My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
