I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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