Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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