So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
