stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
