after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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