Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
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