could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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