tell your sister to shave her snatch
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
