He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
