She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
