obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Randomize
