I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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