hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
