I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Randomize
