Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
