So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
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