so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
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