The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
