Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
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